John Gottman is a very well known researcher in the field mental health and relationships. Julie, his wife, is an award winning psychologist. Together, they founded the Gottman Institute, which includes the “Love Lab” in which they have observed over 3,000 couples interact, especially when in conflict. Their analysis of these couples’ behaviours has enabled them to predict, with 90% accuracy, which couples would stay together and which would divorce or stay together unhappily. In fact, they were able to predict this within the first three minutes of a fight!
While this book focuses specifically on conflict between people in romantic relationships, the general principles apply much more broadly. The book first covers why and how couples tend to fight, and what they fight about. Part 2 covers the five fights that everybody has: the bomb drop, the flood, the shallows, the standoff, and the chasm in the room.
Counter-intuitively, this book explains that having no conflict in a relationship is just as problematic as having destructive conflict, and what is required is conflict that the couples learn to engage with in the right way. As the authors say, “Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection.”
They explain that all couples face two main types of conflict – those that are solvable, and those that are perpetual (often rooted in differences in personalities, priorities, values and beliefs). The fact that a couple has perpetual types of conflict doesn’t mean that the relationship is over, if they can engage in those ‘fights’ in a constructive way each time they arise.
“When we fight, we should be trying to create something better. That’s the ultimate goal of conflict: to create something better for yourself, for you and your partner as a couple, and for the world… We can combine kindness and gentleness with fighting. We can grow closer because of conflict. But to do this, we need to get to the heart of our conflicts.”
This book is full of practical advice, fascinating (and often entertaining) case studies, activities to try with your partner, and many “ah-ha” moments. If you ever (or never!) fight with your partner, then this book is a must read. It might just save your relationship!
