I recently had an interesting conversation with someone who started out by describing their boss as a “narcissistic personality” and who was looking for some advice about how to get them to change their behaviours towards staff.
Work with behaviours, not labels
The first step is to emphasize the importance of avoiding labelling the boss with terms like “narcissist.” Instead, focus on addressing specific behaviours constructively.
After unpacking the actual behaviours the boss was demonstrating, they included:
Frequently being late to work;
Keeping clients waiting a significant amount of time;
Dressing inappropriately for work;
Yelling at staff and using abusive language towards them.
Be aware of power dynamics
The first challenge in this situation is that the boss is in a position of power in the organisation. Some behaviours may stem from the boss’s status and lack of accountability, making change less likely unless driven by external pressures.
What might influence the boss to change their behaviour? For example, they might be more likely to respond to financial consequences (e.g. losing clients and thus lowered income) or legal consequences (e.g. formal complaints by staff) rather than interpersonal feedback.
It’s also important to recognise that there may be a reason that clients are not leaving (the boss is providing a valuable service that people are prepared to wait for). There may also be reasons why staff haven’t made formal complaints so far and may be unwilling to do so in the future (they may have concerns that a complaint will escalate challenging behaviour, make their job untenable, and potentially damage their reputation in the local marketplace if the boss has influence in the area).
What is the actual impact of the boss’s behaviour?
A useful question to ask is “what will happen if the boss’s behaviour doesn’t change?” In this situation, it seemed that there were very few consequences, other than some staff members being irritated. Before making choices about how to respond to the boss’s behaviour, it’s important to evaluate whether certain actions (e.g., inappropriate attire or lateness) are irritations or genuinely impact the business or clients.
The fact that the boss’s values about timeliness and appearance might be different to other people in the workplace, as the owner of the business, he does have the right to pretty much do as he pleased. If employees were not comfortable with his choices, it might be an indication that they need to find another workplace where their values were more aligned. If alternative work was not available, it might be a case of those employees just living with the situation for the sake of continuing employment.
However, where the boss’s behaviour is having a significant impact on the workplace, such as clear harm to employee’s psychological wellbeing, or retaining clients, some action is necessary.
Who will the boss listen to?
If there is someone the boss is likely to listen to, and whose opinions they respect, you may be able to engage this person to provide the boss with some honest, timely feedback without escalating conflict. It is helpful to provide general observational feedback from the person’s direct experience, rather than naming aggrieved staff members and relying on what the person has been told.
Consider bringing in external consultants or compliance officers to highlight risks (e.g., legal liabilities or accreditation requirements). This can make the issues seem less personal and more about organizational standards. For example, a conversation about implementing workplace policies emphasizing respectful behaviour and fair treatment of staff (e.g., setting clear expectations for professional communication and punctuality) to minimise risks to the business, may create a way to address issues indirectly without targeting the boss personally.
Recognize when to let go
In some situations, it is necessary to accept that some people will choose not to change without a strong incentive. If efforts to influence the boss to change his behaviour fail, the focus should shift to what staff can change to adapt or mitigate harm. If change seems unlikely, encourage staff to prioritize their well-being, which might include finding alternative opportunities. If the situation remains untenable, consider exit strategies for those affected.
Learn more
If you are interested in learning more about how to manage workplace conflict, you might want to check out our online course Conflict Management for Leaders. Find out more and register here: https://conflictmanagementacademy.com/cml
